Dallin H. Oaks

“If you wish to marry well, inquire well.”

Nichelle

Modern romance films try to teach us that the “ideal” man is someone that is a swaggering jerk; someone that is inconsiderate or egotistical.  Then, by the end of the movie, something miraculous has happened and the guy has a change of heart and he becomes sweet. This has really brainwashed women into thinking that the type of guy that they should be attracted to is mean or inconsiderate.  But, in real life, guys that are jerks end up staying jerks.

Brian D.

Just try and do as little political damage as possible between now and when we launch.

I'm going to the outhouse to give birth to another park ranger.

I just wish you were a little more promiscuous, that's all.

I had to give some beer to that old guy who was stuck down here with his wife and ugly kid.

Brandon

"I'm sorry, I thought your face was a quail!"

"You know why stereotypes exist?  Because they're true."

Nate

If you ever commit suicide I'm going to beat your corpse.

Better to swing for the fences than to never swing at all.

Jake

I'm afraid of chicks and tiggers.

That was the most retarded thing that I have ever done besides get married.

Savanna

I really hope that sound isn't Bill beating that fish against a rock.

Oh ***, tell me you're not talking about my brother.

Jamie Patel

This really does give a lot of support.

Sprinkle this money all over me so I look like a dead hooker.

I can't hang out with you when you're in heat.

Sorostitute-type

I don't know you, but I'm beginning to detect that you're a very negative person.

F*** this test.  I'm going to drink my sorrows away.  Colton, can I study for the next test with you?

Mom

Its a good thing I have multiple personalities, or I would be outnumbered right now!

Its not a hoax, its got zinc in it!

Kiana

It's hard to not be a slut when you are so good looking!

Jessica

I'm gonna tell Jesus!

Elspeth

Vampires don't sleep upside down.  That's a myth.

I'll be your pasture full of cows!

Steve

Saiten's bum!

Your mom has a protruding manhole.

Sasha

You got the poop-sweats!  Whatever, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!

Nikki

Don' look at me like yo momma don' feeeed you!

Dad

He didn't know whether to shit or go blind!

She could hide her own Easter eggs! (regarding my mom)

Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon!

Emily

Don't make me go Chernobyl all over your Belarus.

That's what bonfires are made of...dreams.

Tara

Its not rocket surgery.

Light reading?  What is she looking for, holocaust books?!

Viddy

Clearly we're not mature enough to be in here.

Oh, could you mean the behavioral problems you were having during that sacred hymn?

Brian S.

I had a cat once that died of feline AIDS. I didn't even know he was gay.

Americans only eat for two reasons: because we're bored, and to spite third world countries.

I can't think of what to get you, and I hate you, so here's your Wal*Mart gift card.

There are plenty of days I don't buy gas and Iraq never falls into the ocean.

My arm smells like someone burned down a Persian night club.

Yuma is like a multiple-choice question with only wrong answers.

Carolyn

So I stayed up until three o'clock in the morning and finished it.  And cried.  A lot.